Week 63: Derby or Not Derby

So recently, I have been struggling with my feelings towards Derby. I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads with absolutely no idea which direction to go! I have wanted to be a ref since I started. I have a fondness and an appetite for the rules, hence why I have thrown myself into NSOing. Yet I also feel like I do want to play the game, and do what I fell in love with when I saw my first bout. I feel that if I focus on both, they will both suffer, so it is best to focus on one and get awesome at it. I must admit I am leaning more to one side, but it is still incredibly hard to make a commitment.

As you know from my previous post, I have been questioning my skills in game play. On one hand, I feel like I suck. As soon as someone goes in to me, I fall down. If someone tries to push me, I suddenly forget what a plough stop is. I find it incredibly hard to channel any kind of aggression, so I can't hit, or move any one. I just push against them feebly hoping they might get distracted and forget I'm trying to get past! There is also way too much to think about. I just can't keep track of both jammers, my blockers, and the other team! The whistle goes, and all tactics previously discussed go straight out of my head and I'm just trying my best to stay upright! After every game play and tactics practice, I usually cry and decide that I should just forget about playing the game. I beat myself up about how it's because of my lack of determination, how I don't push myself, how I'm not committed enough, how poor my cross-training is.

However, my feelings at skills practice usually change. I love doing skills in pairs. I love practising whips, I loved my first hitting practice, I loved positional blocking. I also love practising solo skills. I love transitions, and crossovers, and weaving. It all makes me feel like I'm getting better at skating and that I am gradually improving. But then it all falls apart again in a game play scenario.

I really think I would enjoy reffing. I attended a couple of zebra lessons a few months ago and really enjoyed it! I love NSOing so it seems to make sense that I would enjoy reffing. I love learning the rules and all the technicalities that make up roller derby. I also tend to find myself watching the officials more than the players when at a bout! (I think there may also be a little bit of me that enjoys telling people off!) Admittedly, I found parts of reffing terrifying. Jammer reffing, for example, I found insanely hard! It was near on impossible to keep track of my jammer, watch for penalties, and count points, all while trying to skate! I knew, though, that I would get better at this with practice.

The practising theory is the thing that makes it such a hard decision! I know I will get better at reffing with practice, so I should therefore get better at game-play with practice. My derby experience shows that I am not a quitter. Every tactics practice brings back the feelings of terror and the butterflies in my tummy that are all too familiar from my first days. I also can't hate it that much as I keep going back and I keep wanting to go! I don't feel like I have to or dread every Tuesday evening. I want to go. Maybe it's because I'm unlikely to hurt myself reffing. It might be because it's more mental learning than physical learning. But the physical side is going to help me get closer to passing my minimum skills, which is definitely one of my goals.

This is where my brain keeps going round and round in circles until I get upset, confused, and decide to write a blog post about it. It would be nice that I didn't have to make a decision, but if I decided to do both, I'd have to go skating 3 nights a week which I just can't do. I feel that a pro/con list may be necessary, I might also talk to people from both areas and see what it was that made up their minds.
If you've got any ideas, answers on a postcode, please!