Week 74: I'm Not Going Anywhere

Wow! I can't believe my last post was in September! Don't worry, I didn't disappear in to a spiral of derby self-doubt (as my previous post my suggest), life just caught up with me and I had a lot of shit to sort out. Fortunately, life is now back on track (maybe with a couple of bumps in the near future) and my derby life seems to have slotted itself onto it's own tracks.

I think a lot of people thought from my previous post that I was questioning my dedication and love of derby. This is not true. I will never stop loving derby. I can't even fathom what my life would be without derby. But this doesn't necessarily mean playing the game.

When I first started derby, I loved it. It was scary, and I was terrible, and I didn't know why I was even attempting such a thing, but there was a deep yearning inside of me that would not let me give up. I put blood, sweat and tears into a sport that I could not imagine living without. That fire has not burnt out, but it just burns differently now. The thought of playing the game does not move me. I don't go to scrimmages or practices thinking "I need more! This is what I want to do!" The other day we had a practice where one of the skills was optional so I sat it out. Not once have I done that, I usually dive in no matter what!

What does get that fire roaring, though, is officiating. I love NSOing. I jump at every opportunity I get to do so, I take pride in updating my CV and am counting down until my 50th bout and dream of when I will reach my 100th. I look in awe at NSOs with tournament patches all over their hoodies and wish I was half as good as them. I take pride in my work and I take it very seriously. I keep on my toes the whole time, constantly worrying that something could go wrong, ready for whatever might get thrown my way. I drive across the country for bouts, bake until the early hours to make sure I have goodies to bring with me. I've developed an interest in stop watches and clip boards. I strive to be better, to be able to count points quicker than the jammer ref, to be able to hear penalties from the OPR who's lost their voice. I want to be the best I can be.

Photo by Martin's Derby Photos

This naturally then leads onto a love of Reffing. I have had experience of reffing three times in my skating life. I have jammer reffed twice and have also shadowed IPRs. Each time I found it terrifying. I have never made a call on a penalty, I've lost my jammer, I've almost skated onto the track, I've fogotten how to stop, and realised I am terrible at doing hand signals while skating, but I have loved it every time. I want to learn more, I want to get better. It has also made me want to be a better skater, to nail my transitions, to be able to side surf. My derby idols are no longer the ones on the track, but the ones in stripes. I want to be able to watch a pack like a hawk and spot the of penalties, I want to have the loudest voice and be able to blow my whistle properly, I want to be able to deal with every situation and know the rules inside and out, I want to be a bad-ass skater who can skate just as well (maybe ever better!) as those on track. That is what I want.

So when people seem to react like I'm quitting derby or that I'm giving up, I'm not going anywhere. I'm just doing derby my way.

Week 63: Derby or Not Derby

So recently, I have been struggling with my feelings towards Derby. I feel like I'm stuck at a crossroads with absolutely no idea which direction to go! I have wanted to be a ref since I started. I have a fondness and an appetite for the rules, hence why I have thrown myself into NSOing. Yet I also feel like I do want to play the game, and do what I fell in love with when I saw my first bout. I feel that if I focus on both, they will both suffer, so it is best to focus on one and get awesome at it. I must admit I am leaning more to one side, but it is still incredibly hard to make a commitment.

As you know from my previous post, I have been questioning my skills in game play. On one hand, I feel like I suck. As soon as someone goes in to me, I fall down. If someone tries to push me, I suddenly forget what a plough stop is. I find it incredibly hard to channel any kind of aggression, so I can't hit, or move any one. I just push against them feebly hoping they might get distracted and forget I'm trying to get past! There is also way too much to think about. I just can't keep track of both jammers, my blockers, and the other team! The whistle goes, and all tactics previously discussed go straight out of my head and I'm just trying my best to stay upright! After every game play and tactics practice, I usually cry and decide that I should just forget about playing the game. I beat myself up about how it's because of my lack of determination, how I don't push myself, how I'm not committed enough, how poor my cross-training is.

However, my feelings at skills practice usually change. I love doing skills in pairs. I love practising whips, I loved my first hitting practice, I loved positional blocking. I also love practising solo skills. I love transitions, and crossovers, and weaving. It all makes me feel like I'm getting better at skating and that I am gradually improving. But then it all falls apart again in a game play scenario.

I really think I would enjoy reffing. I attended a couple of zebra lessons a few months ago and really enjoyed it! I love NSOing so it seems to make sense that I would enjoy reffing. I love learning the rules and all the technicalities that make up roller derby. I also tend to find myself watching the officials more than the players when at a bout! (I think there may also be a little bit of me that enjoys telling people off!) Admittedly, I found parts of reffing terrifying. Jammer reffing, for example, I found insanely hard! It was near on impossible to keep track of my jammer, watch for penalties, and count points, all while trying to skate! I knew, though, that I would get better at this with practice.

The practising theory is the thing that makes it such a hard decision! I know I will get better at reffing with practice, so I should therefore get better at game-play with practice. My derby experience shows that I am not a quitter. Every tactics practice brings back the feelings of terror and the butterflies in my tummy that are all too familiar from my first days. I also can't hate it that much as I keep going back and I keep wanting to go! I don't feel like I have to or dread every Tuesday evening. I want to go. Maybe it's because I'm unlikely to hurt myself reffing. It might be because it's more mental learning than physical learning. But the physical side is going to help me get closer to passing my minimum skills, which is definitely one of my goals.

This is where my brain keeps going round and round in circles until I get upset, confused, and decide to write a blog post about it. It would be nice that I didn't have to make a decision, but if I decided to do both, I'd have to go skating 3 nights a week which I just can't do. I feel that a pro/con list may be necessary, I might also talk to people from both areas and see what it was that made up their minds.
If you've got any ideas, answers on a postcode, please!

Week 56: The Scrim

I was recently talking to a fellow skater about a recent practice we had. I was telling her that I felt like I hadn't done very well and I wasn't that great, to which she responded:

"Just a few weeks ago you were feeling like you couldn't carry on and now YOU ARE SCRIMMING!!!! Blog that shit!!!!"

So that is what I am doing. I am blogging that shit.

I'm not going to lie, I was quite terrified. Actually, to begin with, I wasn't. But that was because I had no idea what was lurking in my near future. We were told that we were going to have a surprise at our gameplay and tactics practice, and that we should bring both white and black tops. (I should have guessed from that, really!) The session started with some harmless wall formations, but then moved on to starts. So, basically, we'd line-up, and when a jammer had got through, we'd start all over again. This wasn't too bad, although, I was caught out with my stance and a jammer, who's tactic was to skate full pelt into the wall, managed to knock me straight on to my arse. That'll learn me for not being in derby stance.

 After a few more starts, we were told we were actually going to play the game. Errrr....what?! No big hits, focusing on wall formations, penalties resulted in 10 push ups. My derby wife was up as jammer for the first jam, and did an awesome job! (Although, received a cutting penalty, and was in the box for the second jam.) No one seemed keen to volunteer to jam for the third, so I thought "What the hell!" and stepped up to the plate (or should that be line?)

Never again. It was horrible! My pack were brilliant. How they didn't just get pissed off with me, I have no idea! They were breaking through the other team's wall, making holes for me, calling me through, by the time I got there the gap had closed up. I had no confidence to break through the wall myself, so they created another gap for me, which I failed to get to, and on this continued for what felt like forever. I didn't get lead jammer, obviously, so when I finally got through, I realised that I had to go on for as long as the other jammer wanted. After my second time through the pack, which I seem to have repressed, but was probably as terrible as the first time, I actually scored points, but felt like I just wanted to quit. My legs were shaking, I was knackered.... no more! I skated back to the bench at the end of the jam, slumped down on the floor, ate my banana bread I'd brought as a snack, and stopped myself from crying. All I wanted to do was quit. I wanted to take off my skates, go "No! No I am not doing this! I just want to sit here and eat my banana bread!" and then sulk for the rest of the evening. I looked over to one of my friends who was chosen to ref. That's what I want to do! Not get myself beaten up and shattered and feel pathetic.

However, another blocker was needed for the next jam and, instead of sulking, I skated across to the line-up, with a mouth full of banana bread and placed myself back on the inside line. (It turns out I'm quite good at guarding the inside line thanks to my long legs!) The whistle went and I steadied myself, kept my eye on the jammer, and actually managed to brace and create a wall with the rest of my team. We managed to hold the jammer back for a while and ours got lead! That was a good feeling.

The rest of the evening carried on like that. The feeling of you and fellow team member, putting your full weight against each other, ploughing as if your life depended on it, and actually stopping a jammer, is incredible! You feel so bad ass! You just want to yell "You shall not pass!" and act like their derby gatekeeper.

I'm not gonna lie, by the end of the night, I was full of mixed feelings. I was knackered, I was sore, I was full of adrenaline, I was psyched, I hated it, yet loved it all at the same time! I had a taste of what real roller derby was like....and I didn't really know what to make of it!

Week 53: The Wall

This is something I didn't think I'd write about for a while. My derby journey was going along quite swimmingly, admittedly with a few bumps along the way, but I could see myself slowly improving, and then I got to Level 2 and I couldn't believe I'd done it, and I was learning new things, but then it started to plateau. Things that I couldn't originally do, I still couldn't do. It wasn't like they had got a tiny bit better, they were exactly the same. For example, my endurance laps had not changed. My personal best is 23 3/4 and that is what I have got every time I've tried it since. I really worked on my crossovers, thinking they would help but I got 22 laps. I really tried my hardest, threw in as many crossovers as I could, pushed myself, and I got 23 1/2. So, in fact, I was getting worse!

I am still terrified of pack work, I still look at my feet, I still touch too many people, and grab on when I trip, or roll in to them when trying to stop. I still can't give whips; I feel like I'm doing nothing, I always drift in to the middle of the track, I always use just my arms rather then my whole body. I still have a mental block over counter-clockwise transitions, and it seems to be worse now I've convinced myself I can't do them. I still can't weave through cones, my derby stance is crap, my plough stops rarely work...whine, whine, whine. I used to leave practice either on a major high because I had accomplished something, or on a major low because I was frustrated and couldn't do something. But now I just leave feeling deflated. It's almost like I've stopped caring. Like I don't see the point anymore. I feel like I have got to a wall, and on that wall is a sign that reads "This is a far as you're gonna get". I have reached my peak, this is as good at skating I am ever going to get. It's like that bastard level on a video game which you realise you're never going to complete because it is just too hard and you do not have the wits to defeat it.

I recently read an article about pressure in roller derby training as I felt, originally, that I was under a lot of pressure to get better and to get signed off. However, the article mentioned positive reinforcement and how people expect to be told "Good job!" or "You'll get there!" whenever you try something or do something good. It went on to explain how that just wasn't the case, you can't always expect there to be someone to cheer you on. You can't wait for that treat when you've performed the right trick. You need to impress yourself and be your own cheerleader.

That hit hard. That was exactly how I felt. I was convinced I wasn't getting any better because no one had told me I was getting better. I was expecting streamers, a round of applause, fireworks, a neon sign saying NAILED IT! whenever I achieved something. I'm not saying my coaches or fellow skaters are horrible and never say nice things, but what they did say wasn't enough for me. At Level 1, I used to be this terrible skater that seemed to go against the odds and, although it took a while, managed to pass Level 1. I used to get praise because I managed to do it, but now I've shown that I can do it, I have the mindset to get through the skills, I don't need encouragement anymore because I should know I can do it.

After going through weeks of this, I was called over by a coach during hip whips. They gave me a few tips on how to get closer and what I need to be doing to really get it. I initially took it as criticism (constructive, yes, but I'm never good at taking criticism) and used it to work on my whips, but wasn't really thrilled. However, after the session I realised something - and this is something I have never realised in my whole entire life. I would hate criticism, anything, even if it was said nicely and was a tiny thing, I would always take it personally, always sulk, and refuse to change - what I realised was, this constructive criticism was actually nice. It was helpful and the coach gave it to me because they actually saw potential. They knew, more than me, that I could nail hip whips if I just tweaked it a little. It was an encouraging push, not a patronising "Yeah, you can do this!" where I then find out I can't actually do it at sign offs.

The more I thought about it, the more I realised that I didn't want to be patronised, I did want to be helped. I didn't want to be cheered on, I wanted to be criticised. The only way I'm going to break through that wall is if someone slaps me round the face, says "Stop sulking and f*cking practice!"

It might take me a while, but Level 1 took me a while and I did it. I'm not going to achieve anything sulking and just not trying. And when I do achieve something, I'm not going to expect a round of applause and sky writing, I'm just going to give myself a cheeky smile, mentally pat myself on the back, and maybe treat myself to a cupcake afterwards.

Week 52: The Trouser Snake

Now, I'm going to admit, I really can't remember what happened last practice on Saturday. I know there was pack work, and whips, but I can't remember it in great detail. However, a new weekly session was also introduced this week. Level 2's now have a Tuesday practice dedicated purely to game play tactics and pack work.

On the drive there, it occurred to me how nervous I still get about derby. Last week, I talked about how I'd got over my fear of skating in a pack, but I don't think I actually have. I worry about standing on people's feet, wheel locking, falling over, someone running over my fingers, tripping someone up. And then I worry about my own derby stance, my stability, how I look at my feet all the time, how I'm not particularly loud or confident. This was all going through my mind on the way to practice. Furthermore, it was at another new venue, so this also meant another new floor to get used to.

I found the venue and the right hall and started to kit up. The floor was polished concrete, which looked crazy slippy and painful to fall on. But I got up and went for a skate round. It was surprisingly grippy and not that scary at all really.

After a knackering warm up (knee taps on the straights, crossovers on the corners, plough stops on the whistle), we went through some basic pack work for the skaters who had never done it before. We practised recycling, pack avoidance, stopping in a pack, working through a pack, and falling in a pack. One of my derby wives is an excellent pack communicator. She will tell you where she's going, where you're going to go, what gaps need filling, what the pack needs to do, etc. She is just brilliant at it. However, she wasn't there tonight, so I took it upon myself to give it a go. I'd like to say I was a good communicator. I definitely told people where I was going (even if it was a little - "Coming round the inside...I mean outside!", "Someone take the inside, front line...I mean front, inside line!", etc) and I'd like to think I kept the pack in check with "Pack is long!", "Fill these gaps!", "Pack it up!", "We have no pack!!" and more.

After pack work, we moved onto 4 walls. This is where you have 4 people in a line, creating a wall. We went through the basics, starting at just skating in a line. Learning how to keep in line with the person on the inside, how the person on the outside will need to skate faster, etc. We even practised how to stop in a wall without it breaking up. After that, we learnt the roles of the 4 wall. How the person onside the inside (#1) guards that inside line with their life. How #2 has the one of the hardest jobs as they have to be able to move from the inside to the outside and help the skaters on either side to protect their side. How #3 moves with #4 to protect the outside if necessary and how they can leave the wall to go take out a player or help their own jammer but will return back to the wall as if on a bungee cord. #4 is the pack communicator and it is their job to keep an eye on the track and to tell the wall where to go and what they need to be doing.
We also practised with another skater being the jammer and we had to move as a wall to prevent them from getting through and we had to communicate where the jammer was (Lane 1, 2, 3 or 4.) It was actually really good fun, and I found I liked being in position #2 the most. I liked communicating where the jammer was and being able to move from one side of the track to the other.

We soon moved onto pack formations. These are different shapes a wall could form, mainly to help them speed up but so they could easily move back into a wall. The first position we learnt was called the "Snake" or "Zig Zag". There was a running tally of inuenndos from the session (you cannot say "hard", "tight", and "penetrate" all in one sentence!) so the snake soon became know as the "Trouser Snake". The Trouser Snake was formed when two alternate skaters would move ever so slightly forward and across, creating a kind of zig-zag. This helps with speeding up and stopping so you don't end up tripping over each others feet.
The second position was "The Diamond". This is when the zig-zag moves into each other more and one skater moves to the front, one to the back, and two in the middle, creating a diamond shape. This is the most efficient shape to form when picking up speed as a pack.
As a pack, we were awesome as moving from one shape to another. A fellow skater said "We're just like the Red Arrows!" until someone tripped over a skate!

The session ended with a bit of pack racing. I decided to be the skater at the back of the diamond, which was fine, and it turns out I skate a lot faster and more confidently as a pack than I do by myself! I don't know whether it's because I instinctively get lower in a pack, or if I just feel more safe with people around me. Who knows? I do know, though, that I skated much faster in pack racing than I thought I could!

Two hours flew by and it was a really enjoyable session. I love seeing how the skills we are learning are used when in a game situation. These Tuesday sessions will slowly start introducing us to more game play scenarios and, hopefully, we'll be awesome at it by the time we get to Level 3!

Week 51: Summertime & The Skating Is Easy...

After another week off (I'm NSOing a lot now, too!), it was back to normal skating. It was a hot day, a hot, muggy, sweaty day. I would usually say that every day is a good day for skating, but today was horrid. I had a headache before I'd even got to practice, but I took some paracetamol, drank a tonne of water, and got to it!

Our coach didn't seem to notice the heat, though, and gave us a killer of a warm up. Laterals, stepping across the track, squats on the whistle, knee taps, stops, sprint laps, backwards laps! I'm not complaining, though, I love an excuse to get in some backwards skating practice, and it certainly made me realise how lazy I am getting with knee taps and plough stops. My left knee taps are just not improving, it still takes me ages to get back up. My plough stops also seem to be taking ages. I seem to have forgotten that even though I can do it, I still have to keep working on it!

I was recently messaged by one of our coaches, asking if I could look after a new Level 2 who was a bit unsure of pack skating. She described her issue perfectly - at Level 1 (now pack skating has been removed), you get to skate around, happily by yourself, and then at Level 2, you're thrown in with a load of other skaters and told to skate very close to them! It made me realise how far I'd come with my confidence in pack skating. I found the very idea terrifying to begin with. I remember when an all-star skater came up to me and went "Soon, you'll have to be able to skate...this close to people. You'll have to get used to touching people and being touched." Now, it doesn't really bother me. I do constantly look at my feet, I am very handsy, and I am weary of wheel locking, but I'm not as scared as I once was. Falling over doesn't even phase me now. I had a very awkward fall this week, and almost got another lady's skate in a rather intimate area... But, I just laughed, made sure we were all okay, and got my ass back in the pack.

We did our usual pack work - pack speed, wheel locking, even a bit of bumping (where people hit into us, quite gently). We also had a go at moving through a pack. Unfortunately, I was forgotten about and had to go last but, by that point, the pack was getting a little cocky and decided to actually block me! It took me ages to get through that pack! It was fun, though!

Next was something new to me: Leaning. I'm sure a few of my skater friends from higher levels tried to teach me before, but I had no idea what they were on about! We were taught it in steps. First, you had to have dead arms, and then lean from your shoulder right down your side to your hips, against the wall. Like you are trying to push the wall over. If you can pick up the foot closest to the wall, and feel like you could stay there all day, then you are doing it right! We then moved on to leaning against people. This was alright standing still, but got quite awkward while rolling, especially with all the wheel locking! Furthermore, it didn't half make you ache! My poor legs and side were killing me that we had to keep swapping sides to even it out. Next, we were turned against each other, and leaning became pushing. It was exactly the same as pushing, except instead of working together, you were trying to push each other out of bounds, and you had to remember to yield once they were out of bounds to avoid a penalty. This was so much fun! It was the first kind of contact work I have done, and I loved it! I think we were meant to give in a little bit, but my partner was showing no mercy so I gave it my all too! Needless to say, she was much stronger than me, but I still managed to get her out. We also had a coach keeping an eye on us and giving us tips on our stance, posture, and technique. It was tiring but great!

After a short break, we moved on to endurance skating. Fortunately, it wasn't going to be a timed 25 in 5. It was just skating for 5 minutes, following the jammer line, working on our crossovers, etc. I found it very useful. I am useless at doing crossovers during endurance, so I took this as an opportunity to focus on them. I made myself do crossovers for as long as I could, and soon got it down to doing two on the straights and cruising round the corners. I did keep an eye out for my laps and managed 23 1/2, which is a quarter of a lap less than my PB, but I was nowhere near as tired. I was out of breath, sure, but usually I'm collapsed on the floor, legs burning, trying to suck in as much air as possible. This time, I sat down, caught my breath, and actually felt alright! I know that if I nail those crossovers, and really push for it, that 25 in 5 will be mine! Afterwards, one of my coaches came over and told me how much my speed skating has improved. "Not really" I said, "I'm stuck at 23!"
"Oh" he said, "but your skating has definitely improved!", a fellow slater chimed in too "Yeah, you've definitely improved!" This was nice to hear. I agree, my skating has improved, but it is always nice to hear that others see it too.

That was the end of our track time, so we moved down to the end for some transition practice. We went through the break down of transitions, that we did last week, and then just kept practising them. I kind of cheat with transitions and, instead of picking my foot up and putting it behind me, I keep just my front two wheels on the floor and kind of swivel it behind me and my left foot follows. I cannot do this anti-clockwise, though, or so I thought... After a while of practising, one of the coaches gave me the challenge to see how many I could do in one length. Going clockwise, I managed 4 or 5. "We have our Queen of Transitions!"
"Hardly" I said, "I can only do them that way"
"No you can't! I've seen you do them the other way! Just don't think about it. Look at this wall, and then turn to look at that wall. Try and do as many as you can." I skated out a little anxiously, but just tried to think about how many I could fit in. I think I manage about 3, if a little sloppy, but I did it! Woohoo! I kept trying that way and could occasionally do it, but it was very sloppy. "I've been watching you, trying to figure out what is going wrong... I now know! Your right foot is the dominant one, so it's turning before your left has even moved. Make sure you move your left first before your right"
So I set out to give that a go. I was thinking far too much, and my mental block came back, I went to turn my left foot, freaked out, stopped halfway, I think my right had gone already, I couldn't regain my balance, and I fell pretty hard on my back. I sat up with a laugh and a thumbs up, though. "Please remember your derby stance!" said a concerned looking coach. I kept trying, but after that, my mind had taken over, and I just lost it. I was gutted, but I now know that I can do them, it's just my silly head stopping me!

I stretched and went home with the most painful headache - one of those ones where any movement causes it to pound and make you feel sick, paired with an achey shoulder, a sore back, and a bruised butt. I hadn't felt this good after derby for a while, though! I was falling in love with it all over again.

Week 48: Level 2 Sign Offs - Take 1 P.t 1

It only feels like yesterday when I started Level 2, and with the break I had, it may well as have been! We were told it was going to be a very casual sign offs, though. Most of us were new and, because of the new level arrangements, there was no pressure on anyone passing everything. We were just there to have fun and see what happens.

Even though it was casual, I still felt a little tense. It was sign offs, and any kind of assessment puts me on edge. We started with the simple stuff - stance, stride and crossovers. This was fine. I don't know how, or if, it is assessed different at Level 2, but I felt like I couldn't go wrong. Derby stance had been drilled into me, as it should, so I managed that. Stride, no problem. Crossovers, easy. Although, I do still have problems doing a whole lap of them. After these, we then moved onto laterals. These are when you move from one side of the track to the other, using quite sharp cuts. You have to be able to do 3 turns on the corners and 4 on the straights. When you're on the track, it looks huge and it looks like it should be easy. However, it is not. I decided to pick up speed to keep myself going through them, but ended up falling over right on my first turn. Doh! I picked myself up and gave it a damn good try, but it seemed like an impossible feat, and soon the whistle was blown and we had to come off the track.

After this, we were grouped up into packs. There has been a lot of focus on pack skating in Level 2, so it was good to get assessed on it. We started with pack speed and stopping in a pack. We had to concentrate on recycling, etc, and then when a whistle was blown, we would have to do a plough stop. This wasn't too bad, although I'm pretty sure I used the people in front of me to stop. However, when I was at the front of the pack, I did manage to stop. So who knows? We also did pack speed where we had to speed up and slow down together. More things were thrown in like falling in a pack and pack avoidance, which was as fun as it usually is. We then had interesting bit of wheel locking. An all-star skater would be given a number and they had to come over and lock wheels with us to see if we can keep skating despite it. I was terrified, but I did surprisingly well! We were told we had all passed that block, but our speed wasn't quite up to scratch so we would have to work on that.

Next, was speed laps and speed stops. This is basically skating one lap in 16 seconds, from standstill,  and then coming to a stop within 4 seconds. I found this hilarious as I knew I wouldn't achieve that! I can't even do a sprint start - toe stops terrify me, and my duck runs aren't that great - let alone stop from that pace in 4 seconds! Ha! We were put into pairs and had to line up on the track and then go on the whistle. I kept laughing and asking myself why I was even bothering. My partner also seemed to feel the same. Our first lap had to end with a plough stop. The whistle went and I tried, got to the point where I had to stop, and went into a plough...that went on for at least quarter of the track. "Nailed it!!" I cheered sarcastically, and hi-fived my partner who's plough was pretty much the same. We then had to do it again with t-stops. This didn't actually go too bad, and I t-stopped pretty much in time. I came off the track smiling, knowing that I hadn't done it, but I had fun. However, after all the pairs had been, my number was called up again, along with my partner from the laps, and one of my wives. "You were just ever so slightly off your time. Your stops were good, but you just need to get that lap a little faster" Seriously?! Wow. This time I really tried. I gave it my all. And I bloody done it! No way?! I was convinced there was no way I could have done that. Shows what I know.

Up next on the list was weaving. At Level 2, you have to be able to weave through a line of moving skaters and through a line of cones (not at the same time. Could you imagine?!) I was a little nervous, as we all know how weaving isn't my strong point, but I actually enjoy weaving through a pace line, so I was up for it. It didn't actually go too badly. However, my number was called out at the end for me to go again. I was a little confused as to why, I thought I did fine. Although, I did notice that a lot of the skaters were telling the pace-line their position (outside/inside) but I hadn't done that at all, so I included that in my second go, just in case. My coach seemed happy with that, and called us off the track. Sorted. On to cones. Ergh. You have to be able to get through 10 cones in 8 seconds. I had a little practice and knew I wasn't fast enough. Got to the main cones, got half way through, missed one. Balls. I was expecting to get another try, but we were called off the track and that was that.

Unfortunately, that was the end of our track time, so we moved over to the end to have a go at some more skills. First up was stepping. Now, I used to dislike stepping at Level 1. I can do it fine, now, but I used to find it so tricky and frustrating. Level 2 stepping is so much more interesting and fun! Grapevine was the first one, and I do find this one quite tricky. I can put my leg behind me, and putting my right leg over my left is fine, I'm used to doing that with crossovers. However, switch to left over right and I start to freak out. It's so unnatural but I persevered. Unfortunately, I didn't pass this one. I think it was because I was leaning too far forward and I just wasn't particularly stable. That's fine, annoying but understandable. Next was galloping. Woohoo! I do love a good gallop. I did have to do this twice, again, I think it was to do with my stance, but I managed to pass it. Yay! Last was quick step. This is just like running on the spot on skates. It makes your feet and calves hurt like hell. But it is quite fun! And I also passed this one!

After all the stepping fun, we moved on to 30 second balance. I don't think I've practised this since Level 1 sign offs, but I gave it all. I don't know if I've told you guys about my technique for this. I pick a hole or mark on the wall and stay transfixed. I lift my foot up before the whistle blows, to settle my balance, and I then put one arm down by my side, and I put my other hand on my belly button. It works, I swear. Well, it must, as I passed it! Woohoo!

Last, but not least, was jumping and stepping over an object. I mentioned in my earlier post about how I managed to get up the courage to step over the bar, and today I was determined to get signed off on it. We were given a decent run up but, unfortunately, it seemed far too close to the wall for us to stop in time. So we requested the bar to be moved closer to us. It was then too close for any of us to get up enough speed for us to be signed off on it. Stepping over an object was, therefore, cancelled for this sign offs. To finish it all off, we did jumping on the spot. This is essentially picking up both feet at the same time and landing, without falling over or losing your balance. Got that one ticked off too!

So the first week of sign offs hadn't gone too badly. I was happy that I even got signed off on anything and I was excited to see what I might pass the next week.

One Year On (or A Love Letter To Roller Derby)

Ah. I remember the first time I ever bought my own roller skates. I would look at them in the box, terrified of them, yet desperate to get them on my feet and see what I could do. I would wait all day until my mum got home from work and then she would drive me to car park and teach me how to skate. I remember how wobbly I was. How I clung to the railings for dear life. How the wheels on my feet seemed so unnatural and weird, yet so exciting... I would cry with the fear of it all yet I would keep putting them on... No, this is not a fond memory from my childhood. This was just a year ago.

It has been a whole year since I started roller derby. A year since I first plucked up the courage to go along with my friends and see what it was like. A year since I first strapped a pair of skates to my feet, refused to move, and went home in tears. A year since I bought my first pair of skates and just kept coming back. I fell, I hurt, I cried, but I never gave up and here I am, a whole year later, doing things on skates I never would have imagined.

I am always one of those people who try something, find they're rubbish at it, and stop. I have a fair few musical instruments to prove that point! But, for some reason, roller derby wouldn't let me do that. I literally could not move on skates. I had to be pulled up and down the rink. I came home, burst in to tears, and complained about how scary it was and how terrible I was. Yet, the next day I went out and bought a pair of roller skates. Admittedly, my mind was back and forth, and the moment I bought them, I wanted to take them back. But something tipped me over the edge. Something said "Go on. Why not jump?" And so I did. And I've been falling (in love) ever since.

I can't explain what it is. I don't know if anyone who plays roller derby could put in to words why they truly love it. You also probably want to say "Hang on, Honey. What about the times when you've written about a rubbish session?" Well yeah. That happens. I certainly don't go through life loving every single day. But it's the good that makes you forget all the bad. I might have a crap training session. But I go back and nail that skill I've been so desparately trying to get, or I just end up having a laugh with my fellow skaters. I could never imagine giving it up.

In a whole year, I have skated about 350 hours, been to over 50 training sessions, over 70 social skates, bought 2 pairs of roller skates, one pair of plates, 16 wheels, 4 toe-stops, 6 pairs of laces, a ridiculous amount of socks, NSOd 27 bouts, proposed to all 4 of my derby wives, watched god knows how many clips or bouts online, mentioned the words "roller derby" about a gazillion times, won an award, bought personalised t-shirts, helmet stickers, hoodies, and toe guards, got a roller derby tattoo, written 51 blog posts, met so many lovely people, amazing people, people who inspire me, people who I've inspired, people who I now call friends. Roller derby has changed my life.

I know a lot of people claim that. But it probably is true, and it certainly is with me. I was never a confident person, but roller derby has brought me out of my shell. It has made me louder, friendlier, more talkative. I drive miles for bouts, where I used to hate just driving down the road. I talk to complete strangers like they were long lost friends. Even when something terrifies me, I don't quit, the urge to give it a go just grows. I go to social events, when I used to hate just leaving the house. It has made me believe that I am capable of so much more than I give myself credit for.

If you are reading this for the first time and fancy giving it a go. Do not waste any more time. Find your local league and join! If you've just started but are feeling low, do not give up. You will get there. I promise you. Things that look scary now will become so easy that you will have no idea how you couldn't do it. If you've been skating for a while, well then, you know exactly what I'm talking about.

Week 47: Leap Of Faith

Pack work seems to be a very prominent part of Level 2, which is understandable as it's a very prominent part of Roller Derby. So this week, we had another practice at pack work. I'm going to flat out be honest, I don't remember much about this weeks pack work! It must have been the heat! I definitely know we did pack speed and pack avoidance and falling in a pack, like we did the last few weeks. We also did working through a pack. We were each given a number and our couch would then call out that number. We would have to take a knee and, once the pack had passed us, catch up and try to work our way through the front by finding a space. The other people in the pack were not allowed to physically block us, but they weren't allowed to move out of the way to let us through either. It was lots of fun, but also kind of scary! Picking your feet up in a pack is essential to get through it, but leads to a lot of wheel locks and the occasional kick! Fortunately, we had practised wheel locks before, and you soon get used to dealing with them.

We then decided to have another practice at whips as we didn't get a lot of time to practice them last week. We paired up and were, again, shown the proper technique for outside whips. We practised it really slowly to begin with, more in a step-by-step kind of way so we got used to where we were meant to look, where our feet were, when we offered the whip, what our stance should be like, etc. We then took it in turns to practice. I found that I tended to drift towards the middle after giving the whip. I think it's because, when the whipee pulls, I end up being pulled along with them, rather than keeping my spot. Apparently, this is quite a common problem and I was told even some of the all-stars used to have this issue, which made me feel better about it.

After some whip practice, we then moved on to side pushes. These are less used to gain speed and more used to get a person in front of the jammer. We were told to imagine that we were on one side of the track, and the jammer was coming up the other side. Rather than us trying to skate over to stop her, we were told to shout "Jammer!" and give the person next to us a helping push. Unlike whips, it is a lot easier to be the pusher than the pushee. As a pusher, you just have give them the warning, make sure you place your hands in the right place (shoulder and hip) so as to not throw off their balance, and you then give a firm push. Not too hard, but hard enough to get them to where they want to be. As a pushee, you have to make sure you're in derby stance, and then prepare yourself when you hear "Jammer!" and then kind of hop/quick step over to the side, while trying to keep your balance. It was a little odd travelling sideways to begin with. But it definitely shows you where you use your stepping or lateral hop skills!

It was certainly starting to get hot, but then our coach asked if we wanted to try our endurance laps. I was pretty excited, if sweating, as I hadn't tried speed skating on the new venue's floor yet and I was eager to see if my laps would go up. The unfortunate thing is that, even though I'm skating on hybrids - Sweet n Lows, I still found that at speed my wheels would slip. Furthermore, I hate doing crossovers at speed. I don't mind doing them to gather speed, but at speed I feel like my legs are going to get all tangled, and my balance goes all wrong, so I then go all wobbly. It's no fun, and this is a problem for 25 in 5 (it goes up to 25 in 5 for level 2) as crossovers are key for keeping your speed whilst using less energy. I gave it my all, though. It's been a while, I haven't worked out for a couple of months, it was a really hot day...and I'm just making excuses, but I did beat my record by a quarter of a lap! I got 23 & 3/4! Woohoo! And, very bizarrely, so did my derby wife, who also got exactly the same as me last time!

After collapsing on the floor, and then counting a fellow skater's laps, we moved to the end of the track. "I thought we would have a go at inside whips". This was met by lots of grumbling. We were hot, we'd just skated for 5 minutes straight, but inside whips are fun! So we paired up and started practicing. We were shown a really handy demonstration too, of how it's less to give speed, more to help your jammer through a gap. We were told to imagine we were getting through a really tight space, and to get more behind the whipper, so we really had to step over their leg. It was really fun actually and I felt like I was getting somewhere with them!

One of our coaches then appeared with a bright yellow metal bar, and placed it in front of us. "Jumping!" Jumping had always scared me. I'd tried it briefly once in Level 1 ages ago, but that was it. I had never jumped over anything. Just on the spot. Fortunately, we were told that the criteria for jumping had now changed. Phew! It was now known as "stepping over an object". This meant that rather than both feet having to leave at the same time, you could pick one foot up first and kind of hop over the bar. This made it sound much easier. But that bar looked terrifying. Most people went and hopped over the bar, no problem. I decided to hop over the line next to it. It was essentially like a forward lateral hop, but still kind of scary. I kept trying to build up my confidence to go over the bar but wimped out every time. Eventually, after every one had had a few goes, the bar was taken away. I felt a little disappointed in myself. I wanted to prove to myself that I could jump over it! I practiced transitions for a little while with every one else (my clockwise ones are getting much better!) but then another skater brought the bar back out. She had fought for a long time with her fear of jumping, yet she recently conquered it and I think she wanted to keep building up her confidence. After a while, I finally bit the bullet and decided to give it a go. I skated up to it, did a small left foot glide, swung my right foot over it...hop! "YEAHHHHH!" I heard from my friend. Maybe it wasn't so scary. I had another few goes and did it then too! Yay! I can do it!

Soon after, we were called over and told that sign offs would start from next week and would cover a couple of sessions. Has it really been 6 weeks already?!  Right-o.

Week 46: Whip It Good!

Yeah, it is a bit of a jump from Week 43! I had to miss a few sessions as I was moving house and I got a new job! All excellent, but it all happened in the space of 2 weeks so everything was a bit manic! Needless to say, I was so pleased to be back on skates! It was a little weird, but it was great. :)

Our first skill of the day was pushes. I have never actually done pushes but they covered them the week before, so I was in good hands. They are exactly as they sound. You skate up behind someone, get nice and close, and then give you them a good steady push which should result in them picking up speed, and you coming to a stop. The initial increase in speed took me by surprise, but I soon got used to it. Derby stance is definitely key, though, as occasionally I would lose my balance a little bit and wobble before skating out of the push. I also never knew if I was pushing enough. I came to a stop, and the person I was pushing built up speed, but it never felt like I was actually putting any kind of force into it. It was very frustrating but I was reassured that I was pushing.

Next we moved on to whips. These are probably the most famous "move" in derby, thanks to the film Whip It! and due to the fact that it looks super awesome when carried out well (especially leg whips! Although, they really are only for show!) First off, we started with outside whips. These are used when your jammer is looking pretty knackered, there is a nice gap, and you can give her that extra force to help get her through the pack. They're really effective but I found them so hard to do! Taking a whip is the easiest, most fun bit. Your partner sticks out her arm, offering to you, you grab hold with your right hand, pull on it and then use her force to pick up speed. And you pick up a lot of speed. It's great! However, giving is not as fun or easy. You need to hug that inside line, yet keep an eye out that you're not going to cut track. You then have to offer your right arm, keep a fist so as not to hold on to your skater (it's up to them to decide when to let go), then go into a lunge style stance so as to not trip up your partner, and then you use your force to whip them round (using all your core muscles, not just your arms), creating a small plough stop at the end that should bring you to a stop. My issue was the same with the pushes. I didn't feel like I was doing anything! I felt like I wasn't using any of my muscles, and my lunge stance was awful. I have really long legs, so I have to keep them in, but I couldn't manage it.

It turned out a lot of people had this issue, so we had a weird little paceline where we ended up practising the correct stance and doing slo-mo whips. It was really helpful but it must have looked so bizarre to an outsider! After doing this for a while and giving outside whips another go, we moved onto inside whips and were introduced to the "boob tray" or "boob shelf".

Inside whips are used when your on the inside line, your jammer needs to get through, and you're essentially saying "Here, take my spot" and giving them a helping hand. Essentially, to give an inside whip, you have to wrap your right arm across your body quite tightly. Kind of like making a tray or shelf for your boobs. If you're receiving, you skate up behind your partner, grab their arm, and then step over their leg and skate off. If you've giving, you offer your boob tray, keeping a fist, and then use your whole body to help them through. Unfortunately, when I was giving, I kept grabbing hold of my partner, rather than offering a fist, and, again, I still felt like I wasn't even helping! When I was receiving, I kept grabbing their hand, rather than their arm, so my wrist guard kept digging in. Whips may look awesome, but they're so hard!

After whips, we had a quick go at toe-stop runs. I am terrified of toestop runs. It makes absolutely no sense to put all your faith in a tiny bit of rubber. I'm also scared that I'll fall either flat on my face, or flat on my arse. I'm not gonna look at my feet while I'm running so I'm scared I'm going to over-shoot it, miss the toe stop completely and break my ankle, or I'm going to undershoot it, land on my wheels and fall backwards. There was a quick demo and then speed laps were done. I completely wimped out of that and pottered about in the middle of the track. I was told that you should lean more forward than back, so at least you can fall on your knees, and that the lower you get the easier it is. I tried it for a little bit, but I still found it scary.

It was then our turn to move off to track and make our way to the end. Here we started to work on duck runs. I remembered duck runs from Level 1 training ages ago, and remembered enjoying it. It makes more sense to keep all four wheels on the ground, to me, than relying on your toe stops. I also read an article about leagues in America that refuse to use toe stops and so the duck run is their choice of acceleration. It's also a common technique used by speed skaters who don't have toe stops to reduce their weight. Unfortunately, due to the goofy lookingness of them, they received a lot of mocking this session. You start with your feet in a V, almost like position one in ballet, and then push out, creating friction with your wheels and using this friction to push yourself forward. You're running, not skating. I love doing them and find them a lot more comfortable than toe stop runs, but there was a lot of laughing which made me feel a little bad for duck runs.

We then moved on to practice skills like transitions and stepping. I even got to demonstrate 180 degree knee slides, which I haven't done for ages. We learnt them really early on in Level 1 but I so wanted to see if I could still do them so I offered to demonstrate and totally nailed it! I was so chuffed! Maybe a little too cocky, though, because after a few more, I ended up pulling a muscle in my thigh. I tried to skate through it, but knee slides were out of the question, so I ended the session being taught derby stops (where you transition to backwards skating and then stop on your toe stops. It looks awesome. If only I was good at transitions...) and I had another little go at walking on my toe stops and then I called it a day and stretched.

I didn't have my usual derby high at the end of the session, though. I felt like I hadn't really achieved anything. I learnt some new stuff, but I wasn't that great at it, and I didn't really have a breakthrough with anything. Admittedly, this doesn't happen every week with derby and I should be happy that I got to skate, learnt new things, demonstrated an awesome 180 degree knee slide, and was back at derby after 2 week! Sometimes, though, it is hard to remind yourself of these things at the time.

Week 43: Two's Company, Eight's A Pack

An apology is most definitely in order! I have currently been in the process of moving house and starting a new job, and everything (including derby) had to take a backseat for a while! I've actually missed two weeks of derby, but this is the practice before everything happened!

This was my first official week of Level 2. It was once sign-offs had been fully finished, everyone who could be signed off, was, and after Sur5al. It was all very exciting and we were told we were going to be doing a lot of pack work, but first was an introduction to dynamic stretching.

Dynamic stretching is essentially stretching while moving around the track on your skates, and it's a lot easier than it looks! First were ankle stretches, which were fairly easy...I don't actually know what any of the stretches are called, so I think I'm going to save you the long amount of text that it would take me to describe them! There was lots of leg lifting, some weird hip rotation-y moves, some arm stretches (which are easy! Both feet on the ground!), and one where we had to hold up our foot to our bum, which was pretty scary! I did get a little confused at times, and every time we brought our leg down for one rep, I thought we could put it properly down and give a little push to keep us moving, but you actually have to keep your foot off the ground - whoops! I wondered why everyone else seemed to be lagging! My right foot glides also failed me. Or, should I say, my weak right leg. I can do right foot glides, but my leg has a hard time holding my weight, and throw in some dynamic moves and I was toast. More one legged squats, me thinks.

Next was pack work. We did a lot of this in Level 1, but more recently it didn't seem to get taught and was than taken out of Level 1 sign offs, so it really began with basic pack work - skating within close proximity of each other, getting used to touching people, recycling, keeping close together, communication, etc. We then moved on to more advanced pack work. Pack speed was one of the first things and it was actually quite fun. We would skate at 50% speed, and then our coach would call out either 100% or 10% and that would then involve us either speeding up as a pack or slowing down as a pack. This was quite interesting as you have to work as a whole, not at your own speed, so you have to adjust and work with everyone.

Next was pack avoidance. This was great fun! We would skate along in a pack, communicating, recycling, and then suddenly someone would appear on the track and we would have to avoid them and reform the pack as quick as possible. It was a lot to focus on but we were doing it like pros! You know those schools of fish that move in those huge groups? Well that was us. Or, in my mind anyway... We then had a go at falling in a pack. We were given a number and then when our coach called out our number, we would have to do a knee fall. The other skaters would then have to skate around and try not to trip over us. That also went really well. I actually kind of wanted to catch someone out, but we were all amazing. That meant that pack avoidance and pack falling were then thrown in together! So not only did we have to avoid people in our pack, but also people on the track! It was really fun though (have I said fun too much in this post?!) and I love skating with people. It gives you a real sense of camaraderie and reminds you what roller derby is all about.

Week 42: Level Up!

This technically isn't Week 42, it's from Week 41, as my Level 1 training is now on a Saturday. However, I didn't have training the Saturday just gone as we were hosting a Sur5al, sooooo I thought I would write about Week 41's extra training as Week 42! Then we'll be back on track this week with Week 43. Phew!

So, you may have heard, that I managed to pass my Level 1 Sign Offs! Woohoo! This means that I can now train every Monday and Saturday. As Monday's are just a recap of Level 1 skills, I will write about Saturday's now which are Level 2 skills and you can just assume that I'm now pro at all the Level 1 skills...ahem.

I must admit that I was absolutely terrified about Saturday. I was excited, sure, but I had no idea what to expect and was assuming that I would end up being bumped back to Level 1 as they realised they'd made a terrible mistake. The other thing that was worrying me was the floor. Our Level 2 training is held at a different venue and I had heard that the floor was lush, but I was worried that because I wasn't used to it, I would probably fall over...a lot...and make a fool out of myself...a lot.

As we were missing a session the week after, it was decided that this week would be Week 0. A good week to introduce some of us new Level 2s and to give us an idea of the kind of skills we would be learning. I kitted up and was met by lots of friendly faces who told me they were glad to see me there. It made me feel better, but I was still pretty terrified. I skated on to the track and instantly noticed the difference in the floor. Our old one was bumpy and bitty and broken and wonky and sticky and dusty, but this one was smooth and slippy and soft and clean and just a dream to skate on, to be honest. I tried a few crossovers and picked up some speed but found that coasting round corners was a little tricky as my right foot would slip out from underneath me. A fellow newbie, who had already been on this floor before, asked me if I had tried a plough stop yet. "No?" I responded, "You should" she said, "It's great!" I was still just getting used to the floor but we then started the warm up. The first few drills were fine, squats on the whistle, a few knee taps, nothing too bad. Then it was "Stops on the whistle!" Oh god, I thought, this is where I fail to stop and they realise that I am rubbish and it was all a fluke... "T-stops!" Not too bad. The floor was a lot more slippy so I found I had to use all 4 wheels rather than the front 2 and had to use more pressure, but I soon got used to it. "Plough stops!" Oh no...this is it... I got into a plough shape and felt friction on my wheels, this beautiful sensation that I had never experienced on the old floor (maybe because it was too sticky?) Oh my! What a wonderful plough stop! Maybe I am meant to be here, after all? The novelty of good plough stops never actually wore off and I thoroughly enjoyed them during the warm up. I also found that I use my right leg more. Who knew?!

We then stretched and were told that some of the old Level 2s had some more of their sign offs to do, so us newbies were put at the end of the hall to learn some basic skills. I was quite pleased about this as there was only a small group of us with three Level 3s helped us with the coaching. We were given a little speech about Level 2 and how the skills are going to get harder, etc. and then our first skill was knee taps. That seemed okay, until we were told that a knee tap involved putting your knee down and getting up without losing momentum...fair enough, I can do that with my right knee, not so much my left...and that we would have to be able to get up without using our hands. Not just on the floor which is common sense, but not even on our leg...say what now?! This seemed an impossible feat. Looks like I'll have to do more squats!

Next we were shown laterals. This is when you have to turn sharply from one side of the track to the other. For sign offs, I think you have to be able to do three turns on a bend and four on the straight? So you obviously have to be able to turn quite sharply. At first it seemed odd to me, but then we were told that you have to lead and almost pull with the leg on the side your turning. I.e. If you're turning right, you lead with your right leg. You almost get this kind of lunging effect, which is odd to begin with. It kind of feels like you're going to fall over because you're feet are going sideways, so you're more narrow. Apparently, I took to it really well, however you're constantly told not to look at your feet, so I had no idea if I was doing it right!

The next skill was very exciting - backwards skating! I had tried it once or twice before. The first time I went nowhere. The second time I manage to do half a track but it hurt so much! This time still wasn't that successful, but after a few tips (not leaning too far forward, remember to look behind you, try and keep more weight on your toes) I managed to do couple of laps, although it really ached! It's a completely different set of muscles and it's like learning to skate all over again!

Next was weaving and we all know how much I love weaving... We had five cones laid out and were told that we had to be able to get round 10 cones in six seconds so, in theory, five cones should take us three seconds. I lined up and thought Here we go... However, I made it through them with a fair bit of speed. And I did it again, and again, and I actually started enjoying it! Woah! I had become a born again weaver!

After having lots of fun weaving, we were asked if we wanted to move onto the next skill - stepping. Ergh, we all moaned. I guess we should just get it out of the way. I think we all changed our minds though, when it turns out Level 2 stepping is a hell of a lot more fun than Level 1 stepping! First, was quick step. This is were you're almost jogging on the spot but are able to move from side to side. That was a little scary, I must admit. But then we were taught galloping! This is where you you kind of hop along...like a horse. That's the only way I can describe it! I swear, I thought it would be terrifying, but I actually loved it. I could have done it all day. Gallop, gallop, gallop! However, my fun was soon squashed by grapevine stepping. This is where you cross one leg over, then step to the side, then cross one leg behind, then step make to the side, etc. I found crossing my leg behind a lot easier than crossing it over the front, but it was just getting used to the weight distribution and the fact that your feet were in the wrong place.

After a fair bit of stepping, we had some time left so we had a go at transitions. These have always looked hard and scary. It's when you're skating forwards, pick up a foot, place it behind you and then turn and start skating backwards, and visa versa. So I practised a few stationary, some with one of my feet against the wall so it wouldn't roll, etc. And then I decided to try it rolling. Very slowly. I looked behind me, picked up my foot, put my foot down....stood on my back wheels and fell over. Nice one! I then tried skating with one leg behind and looking behind me so I would get used to that. That wasn't too bad, so I tried it again and almost fell over, but put my hands down and really jarred my shoulders. Damn. So then I was told to try it the other way. to go from backwards to forward. This was a lot easier. Your body naturally wants to go back to forward skating and you're already looking the right way, and I managed one very very slowly. I've come to the conclusion that if I really work on my backwards skating, they will become easier. This is because my body isn't used to backwards skating so there is no automatic muscle memory to kick in when I turn from forwards to backwards. However, I know what it feels like to skate forwards, so it's easier for me to go from backwards to forwards. Does that make sense?

 After a bit more of skating and practising the skills we just learnt, we were invited to join in with the old Level 2s for some more stepping. This time we had to do it from one side of the hall to the other and, by the end, I was knackered! I cooled down and thought about how awesome this practice had been. I loved the fact that I was learning new skills and that even if I was rubbish at them, hat was okay because I had never done them before. Rather than the frustration of knowing how to do a skill but just not getting it, this was a new refreshing start and I was so excited for the rest of Level 2!

(This week, my wife also passed her minimum skills, which means she'll be coming to Level 2 with me! Woohoo!)

Week 41: Level 1 Sign Offs - Take 5 Pt. 2

This post is actually quite hard for me to write and I'm still trying to work out how to go about it, but I decided I'd be better just writing it and seeing what happens. Essentially, this weeks session was a hard one for me. This post is not meant to be bitchy, I'm not trying to cause any drama, it's just how the day panned out and the emotions I went through. I would rather tell it truthfully than sugar coat it and make it sound better than it was.

My bad derby day started around lunch time when I found out that we were being assessed on every skill, whether we had passed it or not. This concerned me and I asked that if we failed a skill we had already passed, would this mean we had actually failed it and we then have to re-take it again. Simply put, I was afraid of passing the only block I had left to pass, but messing up another one, meaning I still had to stay at Level 1. Unfortunately, my question was answered in a very vague, irrelevant way, which began to concern and infuriate me at the same time. I spent the rest of the day mulling it over and getting more concerned and more angry.

I'd perked up by the time I'd got to the wives to get ready. I was still annoyed but after some derby videos and some dancing, I was psyched up and ready for whatever the evening would throw at me. This optimism did not last long. I'm pretty sure, in the back of my mind, I was ready to hate everything about tonight, so I may have had quite a short fuse. Again, our venue had reduced our session again, meaning we had to get kitted up before we left home, and meaning we were short for time. I put my skates on and got on track only to notice some cones had been set up in the middle of the track and a mysterious line of tape was going along one side of the track. The tape was more intriguing, but the cones were starting to bother me. There were so many of us on track and a fair few times I almost went over a cone and saw some very close calls of people going round them. Our warm up also involved one foot glides and stops, along with squats and some sprint laps, which also annoyed me as there were the skills I had to pass, yet with so many people on the track, it was hard to pick up enough speed, and I seemed to fail miserably.

 I stretched and we were then spilt up into groups and a kind of rotation was introduced. I was in group 2, so we were put on the area of the track with the mystery tape, group 1 were on the other side with the cones, and group 3 were in the middle. Our group was told we were going to assessed on lateral hops and that is what the tape was for. It measured 18 inches from the inside line so we had to skate along the inside of the track (which seemed wrong in itself!) and then hop over to the other bit of tape. As you may have expected, I hated it. The usual way of being assessed on lateral hops was to skate round the track and hop on the whistle. That was good as when you picked up speed you had time to slow it down or you could just keep going. The tape version meant you had to go much slower, which made it harder for me, and my first attempt was more stepping than hopping. After a few more attempts, I managed to do a few good ones but could only fit in about 2 over the distance due to my speed. We were then sent back into the track to wait for our next skill.

Next was weaving, which I don't particularly like that much. I gave it my best though and managed to get through the cones and a pretty good speed (I'm sure faster than I originally got signed off on), and I was very happy with myself. That was soon extinguished when I was told I had to go faster. So I went back round and tried again. Half way through "faster!" was shouted at me, which threw me off and I missed a cone. Returning to the back of the queue, I was almost in tears. One of the coaches came up to me and told me not to worry. "This is bullshit" I sobbed "I've done this! Why do I need to do it again?"...."Just try your best, you can do it". So, with a lot of sniffling, I took to it once more, I missed a cone, missed three more. Fuck This, I thought and did a knee slide into the centre of the track and hastily took off my skates. My wife came over looking concerned "I've had it" I said, "I'm not doing this shit anymore" and stormed off the track. After removing my wrist guards, I then proceeded to storm off to the ladies, grab some tissue, and sit on the side in tears. My wife later appeared (I'm so lucky) and gave me a sweaty hug. I proceeded to rant about how this wasn't fair. How I was promised that I just had to pass each block, and once I had I could move on to Level 2. I had one block left, so why the hell was I being assessed on everything again?! I would actually be stuck in Level 1 forever and, I'm not kidding, it was the first time I had ever felt like I wanted to quit derby. If the sessions were now going to be like this. This regimental, this strict, this horrible, then I didn't want to be a part of it. Later, another coach appeared and told me how it is difficult getting used to change and how she would talk to the other coaches to see what actually was going on and if I could just be assessed on the block I had to do.

I came out of the loos and went to put my skates back on. Lots of my lovely skater friends came over to comfort me, cheer me up, and to give me support. One even told me that she had arrived late and didn't know what was happening but that the atmosphere was horrible. After a wonderful bit of advice, I decided I wasn't going to care anymore. I wanted to skate, I wanted to have fun, if I didn't pass, so what? I wasn't really thinking in terms of my derby future, mainly just that evening and how I wasn't going to let it break me. I returned to the track to find my wife almost in tears. What was going on?! After having a talk and hugs with her, and trying to convince her to have the "Fuck it" attitude I had adopted, I was told I could join another group to do my stops. Yes!

I tried not to think about it and just got on with it, and they went pretty well. It wasn't until the coach started counting to three that threw me off again. We have to stop in three seconds? For level 1? Since when? I was quite pleased that I managed to do a couple of t-stops in that 3 seconds, but the plough stops not so much. But I didn't care, remember?
Next was one foot glides, the one skill I had to pass. My left ones went quite well and I was determined to get my right ones. After a whole weekend of ankle strengthening exercises, they were a lot better than normal, but I still didn't think they were up to scratch. Ah well.

After the other groups had taken part, we were then given an announcement; just our passes were being collected, not our fails, so the fails didn't count towards anything (unless you were dangerous) - why didn't they tell us that in the beginning?! That would have saved a lot of stress, a lot of tears, and a lot of upset and confusion. We were then given an apology for the atmosphere. They just wanted to fit in as much as they could as they want us all to pass. By that point, it was too little too late and I wasn't having any of it.

I stretched, came off the track, de-kitted and decided I wasn't going to see if I'd passed. I didn't care. Many a rant was had in the car on the way back and then when I got home a stuffed my face with fairy cakes (that a fellow skater had made for me!), ranted to the boyfriend, had a glittery bath, watched Pokemon, and went to bed.

The next day, I received a message saying I had passed, I was now able to train on a Saturday and join Level 2. I was happy, sure, and later in the day I was excited and over the moon, but a little part of me was sad. My derby heart had been broken and it just didn't seem fair or right. I wanted to pass, obviously, but not like this. I wanted to feel awesome and to jump and shout and cheer and dance and cry happy tears. I have worked so long for this and wanted it for so long, yet Level 1ended so badly for me. Ah well, I guess I should stop complaining. I passed, didn't I?!

I'm now incredibly excited about Saturday, if a little terrified. It's time to put that bad experience behind me and focus on my training. I need to get stronger, fitter, more determined, and you're all still coming along with me in my derby journey!